The Story of Britain part 4

08Oct11

The Plantagenet Kings were boring. I said it!

Henry III – rebuilt Westminster Abbey, got parliament going.

Edward I – Edward Longshanks, from Braveheart! He never quite got Scotland, but he did get Wales. Unfortunately, he is also the guy who expelled the Jews from England. Kind of a mixed bag of a king. Overall, powerful.

Scotland got interesting at this point – Edward I came invading (like everyone before him). But then there was a popular rebellion under Braveheart. He did well for a while, but was eventually defeated by Longshanks and dragged back to London to be quartered. But! There was another Scottish great in the wings. Robert the Bruce charged in, killed his main rival, drove out the English, and became the King of Scotland. I am really cheering for Scotland, which has resisted one million invasion attempts and it’s only 1300!

Edward II – suuuuuucked. Spent a lot of time losing to the Scottish. Edward II was probably bisexual, because he had two different guys who he hung out with constantly and gave titles and land and such. As a result, his court was super corrupt and everyone hated him.

His wife, Isabella, went to live with her brother the King of France and soon became known as the she-wolf of France. She conspired with a pissy English baron named Mortimer. They invaded England (with foreign help). The English hated Edward II anyway, so he was deposed. At first they just imprisoned him, but then decided he was too dangerous, so they jammed a hot poker “up him.” Then showed his body, which didn’t have a visible mark, to prove they hadn’t murdered him. Crafty!

Edward III – started off strong, bad finish. Okay, so once he was of kingly age, Edward III turned on his mother Isabella and that skank Mortimer. England hated them (makes sense since they were clearly awful people). He had Mortimer killed, and Isabella exiled. Off to a great start!

This is when the Black Plague hit, so the rest of his reign is just plague-y. Edward III decided he was the rightful king of France, so he started the Hundred Years War. He and his fighting son, the Black Prince, were very successful at this new War. The Prince even captured the French King and England got a ton of continental territory back.

Edward III went senile. His court devolved into bickering between the Black Prince and Edward III’s other son John of Gaunt. As far as I can tell it was very boring. The Black Prince died just before Edward III, so his son became the new king.

Richard II – zzzz. Richard II started out okay by quelling the Peasant’s Revolt (they revolted partly about a poll tax, which has never been a good idea), but then he was somehow both weak and and a tyrant, plus uninterested in actually running the country. He was deposed fairly peacefully in favor of his cousin, son of John of Gaunt. Of course, he was later murdered too, just in case.

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